War, means an end to civility, this should be understood. It might even be smart to take a moment and examine this, as civil people don’t deal in war. War & barbarism is where humanity started in the primordial soup, civility was an afterthought. This is what I mean by Life & Death in the Savannah where it is a free for all. When we conduct ourselves daily we should be mindful about this very fact, civility and life isn’t guaranteed. 

For those who have experienced violence this doesn’t come as a surprise. This comes as a conclusion that we need to be vigilant to those who dare to escalate for personal gain. We have to avoid inflammatory rhetoric. Be mindful and attentive to others needs and always try to meet people in good faith. 

Let’s explore the alternative, and the repercussions of barbarism. It means that there isn’t a right or wrong, nor a way forward in life. People get stuck in barbarism and harm those that they adore and those they need. Barbarism causes people to slowly kill one another not because of some great plan but out of convenience. More so what is deservant of cruelty is whatever is humorous at that very moment. 

The end of civility naturally means everything is permissible, I’m inclined to believe this from what I have experienced. This might be an unimaginable statement, however this is a weight on a scale: Not to hold the audience hostage. However I do hold myself to this belief no do I feel enmity to those that have done awful things.

My lost sibling 

I came from a litter of seven, two half siblings, two adopted siblings and me and two others. I was somewhere in the middle. My two oldest sibling was from my father’s first marriage and the second oldest will be the focus because she was a victim of a double murder, suicide. 

I didn’t know this person as us kids were born from oldest to youngest almost twenty years apart. When I sought closure for my sister, that I didn’t know I contacted the family of the killer and the other victims. 

My family always spoke about my sister as a saint, she was very beautiful. Always helpful and always going beyond what was asked. If you don’t have kids this is how parents always describe them, it is in our nature to love our family.

Her dear friend’s family said something really odd, that she loved to party. More than anything she loved to have fun and enjoyed the moment. They remember those two girls that lost their lives that day as free spirited and strong independent women. Somedays I try to imagine this being real, and that there is an objective good and bad to this world, and who murdered those two girls that day was an evil monster.

The only child

Then I mustered up the courage to talk to the parents of the murderer. They were geriatric and in a nursing home. I took the time to visit them, they only had one child, it was him. He was by their words “Always just a little bit different.” which I took to mean on the spectrum. We went through the picture and what seemed like a healthy and loving home. What they told me was that they were always afraid for him, and that he never had anyone that was nice to him. 

He was so happy when two beautiful and popular girls befriended him, he would come home and talk about them to his parents for hours. Then one day his life turned upside down, this was fun and games to my sister and her friend. They were playing games with this person who was on the spectrum. Getting him to confess to things and tormenting this lost soul.

If a single person besides his parents were nice to this person so much would have been different. I think of this occasionally, we don’t quite know how our words may harm someone. Nor just how important being patient and caring with others is, and for my sister; she never got a chance to grow old and reflect on her cruelty. 

Closure 

We humans normally understand things as stories, three acts maybe a redemption act then a conclusion. I have found that isn’t real life, some people can die scared and frightened without a chance for redemption. Others like the perpetrator, can be a scared boy who wants the torment to simply go away. The idea that any information can bring closure is laughable. 

Sometimes we have to live understanding things went unexpectedly, and there was never a plan or any consideration for their actions. If we keep with the measurement of cruelty, I would say the boy won handily. My sister and her friend never had a chance, because she didn’t know what she was escalating to and how much it meant to him.

His winning wasn’t just killing two and himself, it was destroying his household, mine and my sister’s friend’s house hold. No one was ever the same and as I grew up there was understandably mental instability in my house. A parent can never get over the loss of a child, I don’t hold the loss of my sister or the chaos to mean much if anything at all.   

Nor can I possibly hold enmity to the person who did that awful thing. I would like to think that one person was at fault and one wasn’t, good noble fights the unjust. (this is how a child views things.)  This is what it means to lack civility and to live & die in the Savannah. When these things leave diplomatic hands we are entrusting them to anyone. Those who lack decision making capability and those who are bad faith actors.

My lost friend 

I befriended a girl in college, her father was a very tall Filipino and her mother was a short and cold woman from Algeria. This girl was a very interesting and objectively good looking girl, however she resented her softness. Her father was a felon turned legal drug dealer and claimed to be repented. I believe otherwise in my opinion the change of laws does not mean a change in the man. 

While the girl was young when she would misbehave he would lock her in a dog kennel. He then would remark, “if you want to act like a dog you shall be treated like a dog.” this was without a doubt child abuse however it is seldom that children know they are being abused. I was really close to this girl, and I took to calling her Dot because her middle name was Dorothy. When children grow into adults something happens they slowly grow set in their own ways. It doesn’t matter that it was chosen at birth who she was going to be, by her father.

She was in love with a very pleasant and soft spoken man who was a year or so older than her. He went straight into construction and was big and strong and thoughtful. Really the whole package, however she resented the way he made her feel. He was in love with her and that love made her feel humiliated and ashamed and she felt violent. In her house when growing up any weakness was punished. 

Forever after

So one day I was invited to her house, we sat down and she pulled up her laptop to study. There was very violent gay porn on it. At first I thought this was funny, I chuckled and she closed it. Then the day went on and the subject of the guy was brought up, they won’t even dating even though they knew each other for years. He was patiently waiting and she knew it and that made her sink further into a rage. 

Then she confided in me, whenever she was about to break down and tell him her feeling she would imagine him getting raped. She acted proud as she seemed like she was about to cry. What meant to be a show of dominance was a sign she was broken. 

Something I thought was posturing wasn’t, that very week she snapped and started to sleep with strangers she met online. It was to get back at him, because of how weak he made her feel. Some people never make it, she was and still is very fixated on this man even when she started to run through every man she could get her hands on.

The day never came of her finding peace, and rising above her fathers abuse. People often fall short on everything and the definition of affection and matters of the heart rarely fit. We need to handle cases of abuse and savagery with humanity.

The hero of the hour 

He moved on, and what could have been a happy ending turned into unrequited love. Our girl Dot still harasses this man. Things in life are messy and fall apart, and can’t be turned around at times. Dot married another man who was quite well off and bore a child and resents the child. This is utter chaos. 

The man who Dot loves is dating a very sweet Latino that is straight off the boat. People move on! He is taking Spanish lessons and they are an adorable couple. Just because Dot thrashed this man and hurt him it doesn’t mean that this man can’t have a great life. People often get maimed and go off to live a life that resembles a Jimmy Buffett song. 

The unimaginable happens 9/10 and the conventional rarely has been seen, or inspected. Even though I have put distance between Dot, one should be hesitant to pass judgment. When I try to reach out to this person I’m often left speechless. It isn’t out of some strong feeling, yet I am strongly ambivalent, I wish her happiness and am simultaneously remorseful. Who I knew was such a broken person, I wish her peace.

The pious family 

I would often hang out with two younger kids, both very nice people. I would have sleepovers when I was just a kid with them. Their house was very nice and the dad was a general contractor and would constantly remodel the house. I thought these people were generous and kind, viewing through adult eyes I see something quite different. 

The fun loving and carefree people were quite evil. I always looked up to my friend’s father and he would tell me how to be a man. His advice was to get into construction, never to beat your girl and never to take shit. This was very inspirational to a thirteen year old.

Later on I found out this wasn’t true, when he was fifteen there were two nineteen year olds who gave him a sawed off shotgun and they robbed a convenience store. He went to a juvenile detention center for three years, and flipped on the nineteen year olds. This man busted the teeth out of a middle aged woman. 

All the posturing was compensation, and as you get close to other families something happens. You start to get included with their family fights. I remember getting screamed at by the father while he was drunk calling me a piece of shit for not manning up. At the time I thought wow this guy really loves me like a son.

The two boys 

I never felt like I had siblings besides these two boys. We got into knockout fights with each other and we bonded. I would show up to Sunday dinner and we and a few other boys would have supper. This was very formative in how to hold down relationships and how to act correctly. 

We had a falling out, because these people liked to fight. They didn’t want to stand on two feet, they wished to crawl back into a primordial soup. We can only respect their decision, they were never able to stand up straight and take responsibility for their actions.

We as civil people have to understand that there is a place outside of polite society for people like this. I look at them and understand their upbringing and shortcomings. Yet sadly there is only so much to be done for those who don’t want help. I will always look at these feral characters fondly but I wish not to come in contact with them. 

The third act

There aren’t any, things maybe good, they might be horrific. however if the choice is given to view the world in a Kafkaesque manner or Camusian then “We must imagine Sisyphus happy.” what is presented in life isn’t sane nor rational. These two things are works of fiction, and falls in line with a fairy tail. what we experience is something further something more absurd