I went off the deep end, and I needed a place to live. During this time I spent twelve hours at work as a hospice. The other amount of time was held up in my family garage, when my family wasn’t kind. I would couch surf, the winter in the garage was frigid and the concrete was like Ice. 

However the person I cared for as a hospice had a large house. The help had a large room to themselves, I had a mini fridge and an amazing mattress to lay down on. Then I started to get comfortable, I needed to talk to talk to people to regain my voice in a sense. I brought my macbook and set it up at the desk, and started to just chat. 

A key information, I’m not a judgemental person at all and I’m not a very sexual person. Which is kind of a rare combination. Somehow this person messaged me, soliciting sex. I asked a few questions, I felt like it would have been rude if I didn’t listen to her pitch.

I once made a few cold calls, and I mentioned to her that I couldn’t imagine pitching my ass on a cold call. She thought it was funny, then I started to ask her a follow up question. I never thought too much about escorts, then we started to talk. This went on for a few months, and I concluded something shocking. 

The little miscellaneous details 

Once you got over the fact that her job was sleeping with married Johns for money. She was quite mundane, I even accidentally left this person on read often. She would often ask me out, she didn’t live too far away. Once I seriously considered going out with her, maybe even start dating. Then I thought of it, and I thought you know this person would make a good wife even a better mother. 

However there was just something about this woman. I remember laying in my Room at work thinking of her then I figured it out. She was just a normal person, the kind who you would start a family with to be safe. 

This bothered me a lot. What a contradiction, I would talk to her more then I realized something horrific. People who’s there profession is sex work, or they are very promiscuous have no correlation between sex and intimacy. This person could really love someone, while they have sex with someone else and it meant nothing. 

In a very perverted sense I found her very innocent. People get so angry about sex because it means so much to people. However there is no humiliation, if it doesn’t mean much to either party. There would have been no harm, no foul.

Then she called, and asked me how my day was and we started talking about one thing and another, then she mentioned her Johns like she did many times before. Everything felt very casual, she mentioned a few funny ones. Then I saw the forest through the trees, I didn’t want someone I could be bored with.

Understanding What it means.

If you put aside sex all together, or the shocking part of the person. You might find something so mundane that it isn’t worth your attention. The personality has to do it for you, if they can’t tickle you in your mind, once the excitement of sex leaves regret will fill that vacuum.

What others find salacious might not register, Don’t feel silly or a freak. I’m very intimate, so expressing graphic imagery doesn’t register as inappropriate. It doesn’t matter to me, even if the person has had a lot of partners it isn’t a knock against them. Although people who normally do that don’t like to be wined and dined. 

I’m a really soft person, it was really a good experience talking to a person who was the polar opposite of me. I’m more happy drinking coffee, talking about silly things in the morning. Then I would stay up late at night drinking. Partying the night away, however I wouldn’t pass judgment. I do think that one day this person will find a really nice person. Then find a change of career and as everyone does once they are done they won’t think of their past job.

It’s never too late for anyone.

There must be a place at the table for everyone, including those that are opposites. If we are wise we can even see their innate value. It is short sighted to not understand what a person could be if they cleaned up. This helped me put the pieces together, there isn’t a coming back from the deep-end.

However that implies something was lost, that was of value. Innocents, or some sense of moral superiority. I don’t take these things very seriously, people claim to wish for an innocent hallmark movie, until it comes to the bedroom. Or moral superiority until they make a mistake. We at all times should be generous and understanding.